Trapped--Magickal Advice Wanted

I haven't written lately becuase I've been in a very difficult situation and I really feel trapped. I feel that I have a lot of talents and ideas and I like to express them in my job. I don't like to talk too much about my work on here but I will tell you that I work in education. Sometimes my job can be wonderful and usually there are challenges but I can handle them. I've hit a point where I feel I can't handle it anymore. I've been placed in a very difficult situation and I know that I can't stay in this position . . . but resigning would be a very big deal! I don't like the feeling of being trapped. I don't like the feeling that everyday I'm going into work and not knowing what to expect . . . other than I'm going to be yelled at . . . and I'm going to have to yell and get angry as the only means to keep discipline (long story but I never work this way normally). This is a systemic problem . . . all the systems are failing to help anyone in this situation and I'm on the bottom rung trying to keep things together. It's not working and I didn't cause it.

Even my dreams are sending me weird messages. I had a dream that a group of people were going to blow up a room in a school (not my workplace). I was told to get out but then I remembered I left my bag in that classroom where the bombs were directed. I went back in and saw other people still in the building. I left and wondered whether I should warn the police (not sure why I had to think of that). When I came out and saw the bomb people again, who were getting ready, I noticed my spouse was with them. I yelled at him sternly and told him that he had to leave with me now or never come home again. Disturbing, eh? I figure this has something to do with my work situation.

There may be one way out though. Today I saw a job posting in my "company" where I could move up to a higher position and still keep my status without resigning. I started writing a cover letter and I have a CV already put together. I REALLY want this job and I'm qualified . . . but other more qualified people might apply.

To supplement my work to get this job I want to use some positive magick that will get me noticed in a positive way. Any suggestions??? I know there must be people out there in the blog world that can give advice on magick. Even if it was just ideas to create my own ritual. Thank you :)

Blessings for Mabon!!

Found this wonderful video I wanted to share for Mabon. The man put it together did an amazing job. It's quite moving :)
Blessing for Mabon!!

Protection of the Green Tara Goddess

I haven't written lately because I've come up against a very difficult situation at work. My work takes quite a central place in my life because of the nature of my job. I wish it didn't but even when I'm not there it takes up a lot of my mind space. I work in the public sector and my actions affect other people's lives, so it's hard to escape it. Lately I've been working with a very difficult group of people . . . and I'm in situations where I'm yelled at in a foreign language for long periods of time. It's one of those situations where you try all the different strategies that you learn but nothing works. The only positive response I've gotten is when I yell back which I hate to do. I find that I'm spending hours of my day dwelling on it or complaining to someone else about it. I know my mind is in a bad place but I have trouble stopping myself from repeating scenarios in my head.

I'm not sure how I fell into it because I did fall into it . . . but I started calling on the Green Tara Goddess for protection. I must admit that even though I'm a Wiccan, I'm open to a lot of variations in my faith and I believe that the Goddess/God can manifest itself in so many ways . . . most of my worship and devotion has been around Mary, who I perceive as the Goddess. I do this partly beacause I grew up Catholic and that is what I was most familiar and comfortable with. I've spent time calling on Kwan Yin a bit but I've found new solace with the Green Tara. She offers me something quite different! There's something very comforting about her and I believe she is helping me a great deal in this horrible situation at work. She is the Goddess that can protect against unfortunate circumstances . . . that's what I'm in!! I've been chanting her mantra and I've put a statue of her at the centre of my altar.


OM TARE TUTTARE TURE SOHA!
Blessed Be Great Green Tara Goddess!

Divine Messages and Careful Samhain Shopping

I've had a few interesting "coincidences" lately. Started back at work and my room has just had a major cleaning. Walked in and found a straw broom and a black hat (unfortunately not a witch's hat but quite similar) on my piano!! Coincidence? I'm not really "out" as a Wiccan and I'm not sure my cleaning staff have figured it out. Hmmm . . .

Today a young Caribbean girl comes into my life. Her name is Mariam and it turns out she's pregnant. I want to be supportive of her because she can't be more than 17. I ask her when she's due . . . she says "Christmas Eve." Well, anyone who reads my blog regularly will know I honour Mary as one form of the Goddess . . . and she plays a central role in my life. So again . . . coincidence? I will be seeing a lot of her over the next few months.

Just an aside . . . I'm reading a lot about people picking up stuff for their altars at Dollar Stores and Department Stores just before Samhain. I think it's funny that we do this . . . but then again, I'm Irish and I have to wait to St. Patrick's Day before I can pick up some of the Irish stuff I like. I'm reading on blogs and Facebook about Pagans shopping at Walmart, Target and other stores but I hope that we are all being socially conscious before we run out and shop.

There was a letter published recently on Inciting a Riot's Blog about how suburban people can't be Pagans because they couldn't understand the faith and way of life. I don't agree with this line of thinking and think the guys is way off, however, I do think suburban (and urban) Pagans can make some un-wise decisions in their shopping, especially in the name of their faith, which help to support large corporations who might support some ideals that we aren't in favour of. I know it's not always easy or efficient but I hope we shop wisely and make good decisions which help everyone in our large communities. Remember that every time you buy something, you making a "vote" about what should be stocked in our stores and which stores should stock things or even remain open . . . simple rules of supply and demand.
Blessed Be! :)

Impromptu Worship and Finding my Voice

I had a wonderful experience yesterday when after going stir crazy in my downtown apartment I decided to take the subway with my partner along the Humber River. Because Toronto is a major city and I don't drive, it is hard to find places to get lost in nature. One of my favourite things to do is find a rock somewhere in the middle of a river that I can climb to and just sit there. I was so happy to do this yesterday. I remember reading once that empaths love to be next to water . . . my whole life I've wanted to be in or around water. I grew up next to water and would hike beside rivers, as a child I would spend whole days in the pool, and even before I figured out I was an empath I would choose homes that are close to water. So, yesterday I spent a good hour or so on this rock. The current and winds moving around me feel like they are sweeping away everything negative in my aura. I need to make a point to do this more often.

So what did I do on this rock. Well, at first I just sat there with my partner close by and then he decided to go for a walk for about an hour! I was happy on my rock and I grabbed another small rock and started carving Wiccan symbols in the rocks around me. Then I surrounded those symbols with decorative organic doodles. Then I decided I should build a small shrine. So I started to collect as many large and small rocks that I could carry and I built a pyramid to the Goddess. I took pictures but I can't get them off my phone. It was a wonderful, invigorating impromptu worship that revived my soul. There was no one around that I could really see, as I was surrounded by trees, and I just worked away by myself. I chanted, "The Earth, the Air, the Fire, the Water, return, return, return, return . . . "

This got me to thinking about how I approach Wicca having been raised as a Catholic . . . and then to work in Anglican and United Churches. I always hated that prayers were written down and that everyone reads them from a bulletin. I swear if you listen closely while people say them in their most monotone voices you can hear, "We are the Borg, you will be assimilated." How is writing something down for a congregation to say meaningful? What if you don't feel like saying it that day? What if you don't believe what is written or it seems irrelevant? I also remember one particular event as a child where I came home from Catholic school ready to read a prayer I had written at the dinner table for Thanksgiving. My mother was raised Catholic but didn't attend church and my father was agnostic. When I told my father what I wanted to do, he basically put it down and said that we don't do that at home. I can understand why he said that and his own discomfort with that but from that point on I always felt ashamed to say prayer out loud.

So, where I am going with this? Even to this day, I feel strange saying prayers aloud. It is something I have to get over. If my partner , who is not Wiccan or religious at all, is in the next room and I feel embarrassed if he hears me casting a circle or praying the Rosary. The funny thing is that he's not judgmental at all. He didn't grow up with any religious traditions . . . so why am I nervous? Am I scared he'll think I'm crazy? I already told him what I'm doing and he is supportive. When my Pagan friends come over I feel weird casting spells with them . . . in fact, I kind of avoid it. It's funny because I have no problem with chanting or singing . . . it's speaking that gets me. Great Goddess, how do I find my voice (quite literally)? I know it seems kind of silly but it's amazing what these little things do to you as a child . . . and how they affect your adulthood. Perhaps just putting these thoughts down in my blog will help me.

Green Wiccan Herbal and Taking Chances

I was on Bloor Street West and I went to my favourite Chapters Book store. This store is a little bit different because they took over an old theatre, left the flow of the building and turned it into a bookstore. For example, you have to walk onto the stage to access the magazine section. It's really a lovely design. I had been there a few months ago and found the book The Green Wiccan Herbal by Silja and didn't want to impulse buy, so thought I would pick it up later at a different store if I still wanted it. Well, it turns out, I never saw it again . . . until today. What a wonderful book for someone who is not familiar with a lot of herbal remedies and magick that involves herbs. It's not a large book but it gives the essentials of 52 different herbs and a few different things like cucumbers and lemons. It is concise it a way that is informative and you could look up more if you had to. For example, apparently you can rub lemon on vericose veins! The book is beautifully illustrated and has a few chapters that give information about turning herbs into incense or lotions. I think this will be a "go to" book for quite some time.

I'm taking some chances with my creative work. Don't want to say too much about what I do as a side job but I will tell you that it is creative. I feel that it is my job as an artist to take chances and push society forward and so I'm creating my first work based on my beliefs in Wicca. I'm a little nervous about how it will be perceived. I'm scared a closed-minded Christian might see the proposal and get freaked out. I feel that I need to take this chance and create a work that is true to myself . . . not that my previous works hadn't been . . . but I could code them in frameworks that society might accept more easily (i.e., Christianity). This time, I'm going all out. Let's see how it goes!

Wanna get Burned?

I see this ad for perfume on huge store fronts as I go to work every morning in the downtown. Is it just me or do any other feminists and/or Wiccans find this really disturbing and distasteful?

Does it bear any striking resemblences?
Every morning I pass this ad and shudder.

I don't know if I'm recalling a past life or if I'm completely

disturbed that women are responding to an ad where they are

silence and restricted . . . to express their "womanity"!?!

Mystical Purchases

I've bought two new purchases within the last few weeks that I thought I would share with you. I love when I find Pagan/Wiccan items that I like because I usually have to search far and wide for them. Sometimes I never find what I'm looking for at all. For example, I have a friend who worships Kali, especially when she's going through changes in her life. If you don't know, Kali is the mover of obstacles and kills things you don't need on your path. Her image can be grotesque but what do you expect from a mover of obstacles? Anyways, I wanted to buy a statue of her for my friend but I can't find a nice one anywhere. I was excited to see one on a Wiccan website yesterday but it didn't look good. She looked too nice . . . lol! Even the Hindu stores around here don't seem to have her.

When I was in Halifax I visited the store Little Mysteries and found this candle stand of the Goddess that I thought was simply amazing. I love that She is a womanly figure without any distinctions other than She is made of nature (i.e., grass and flowers). As much as I talk about Mary or Kali or any other form of the God/Goddess, there's a part of me that thinks it's way beyond our comprehension. That's why I love this indistinct nature figure that holds a flame over her head. I've put her on a second altar in my living room so that I can see while I work. She keeps company with Kwan Yin and an African statue of Mary.

A couple days ago I went into a Chinese stone store. I had the idea that I wanted to buy a crystal ball but never thought I could afford it. It turns out that they were having a sale! A small-ish crystal ball (not too small) was going for $35! I couldn't turn it up. I'm very interested in scrying and I've never tried it. I'll need to learn more soon :)

Empathic Travelling and Revisions

Thought I would do something different today so I bought a day pass for public transit ($10) so I could hop on and off the subway where ever I felt like it. I went to a variety of music stores to price some instruments and to two of the 'spiritual' stores here in Toronto. One is called The Occult Store which part of the
Wiccan Church of Canada. The store is quite large, has a great book selection, and the staff are very friendly. It's great that we have the church too. I've only been there once for a class . . . but it reminded me of going to Christian churches in that no one really talks to you and the regulars hang out. A few nice people will say hello but you just feel a bit awkward. Perhaps it will be different if I go back again. I'm curious about their ritural events but I'm too shy to go by myself.

I know that I'm an empath. When I first figured it out and started researching it, everything made total sense (e.g., Why I had trouble going to malls, moodiness, etc.) However, even with this knowledge, I'm still very skeptical. I always think that I'm probably just imagining it. So, here I am on the subway and I start feeling really anxious. More anxious than I've felt for a very long time . . . I'm hoping that I don't have a panic attack or something crazy like that. I figure that I must be feeling this way due to some future work issues but it doesn't really seem like that big a deal in my head. Then, all of a sudden, the cute Asian guy sitting next to me says, "canutelthataishiriswet". I say, "What?!?" about three times because he's talking too fast. On the fourth try I understand he's asking me if I can see the sweat on the back of his shirt. I use the opportunity to touch his back and say, "No, not really." He tells me that he's really nervous about a job interview that he's going to . . . and I'm like, "OHHH!!!" I spent the rest of the trip slightly annoyed that I'm feeling his anxiety and trying to push my energy outward and send him positive, soothing energy back. Not sure I helped any but I can see why I'm tired and overwhelmed all the time.

To switch topics, I was thinking more about my version of the Rosary as I'm reading this book on the history of Mary. As I research Catholicism, I understand how so much of it is mind control techniques. How do you get a group of Goddess worshipping people who understand and recognize the power, strength and healing powers of women to convert? You create a myth about a woman who dooms all of humankind by taking an apple from a talking snake after the one and only god said not to . . . oh, and the snake you saw as a symbol of wisdom is now Satan . . . oh, and p.s. Satan is evil and you don't want to listen to him for fear of eternal damnation.
That being said, I decided to develop a new version of Hail Holy Queen (Salve Regina). When I redevelop these prayers I like to keep the essence and flow of the original while eliminating and changing irrelevant Catholic dogma. Here's the original and my first attempt at a revision (which needs more revisions):

Hail, holy Queen, Mother of Mercy!
Our life, our sweetness, and our hope!
To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve,
to thee do we send up our sighs, mourning and weeping in this valley of tears.
Turn, then, most gracious advocate, thine eyes of mercy toward us;
and after this our exile show unto us the blessed fruit of thy womb;
O clement, O loving, O sweet virgin Mary.
Pray for us, O holy Mother of God.

Revision:
Hail, holy Queen, Mother of Mercy!
Our life, our sweetness and our hope!
To thee do we listen to abundant wisdom [to replace 'bad Eve's lack of obedience]
To thee do we send up our praise for all nature's glory.
Turn then, most gracious Goddess, thine eyes of discernment towards us and show unto us the blessed fruit of thy womb [which could still be all of nature! . . . not Jesus.]
O clement, O loving, O sweet Mary.
Be with us O Holy Mother God.

Not sure what I think of that yet.

Inspirational People and a Laugh

Every once and a while the Goddess brings inspirational people into our lives . . . sometimes she even sends them through cyberspace. I've had two such blessings in the recent past that I want to share. I started my blog so that I would have a way to explore and express my faith. I did it for me and I thought it doesn't really matter if anyone reads it . . . but, in fact, it does make a great deal of difference especially if the people inspire me! I'm very happy that Debra from the blog She Who Seeks comes to my blog and says something positive and inspiring on every entry.

After my last entry on developing the Rosary she shared with me a version of the Jennifer Berezan's Hail Mary from the track, She Who Hears the Cries of the World. Her version goes:

Hail Mary, Full of Grace,
The Power is with thee.
Blessed are you, Queen of the Universe
And Blessed is all of creation.
Holy Mother, Maker of all things,
Be with us now and always.
Blessed Be.

I think this is beautiful and eliminates some of the parts of the prayer that I had problems saying. I am going to use a hybrid of this and the original for my Rosary. Thanks Debra!

Another inspirational person who has touched my life through cyberspace is Alex. I actually met him through Facebook and he's been very open to me about sharing his faith. He's been so kind to let me bounce ideas off him and I ask him questions. He has both a blog and videos on YouTube. In fact, when I was developing my Rosary, I wrote to Alex to ask him about it and apparently he has his own set of prayer beads which he made (smart and talented) and he created a video for it!! Here's the video:




NOW to finish with a little humour (I'm always too serious on here) . . . let's poke fun at some patriarchal Christians. If Facebook had existed In the Beginning:

Wiccan Goddess Rosary

I've been thinking for a long time that I wanted to revise the Catholic Rosary that I grew up with to reflect my Wiccan faith. I still like the prayers to Mary although there are a few issues that I'm still ironing out with them but it was the other prayers and the Catholic Creed I had a problem with. I think the Rosary is a wonderful meditation tool and I feel connected to the Catholic Rosary as a physical object, as its part of my spiritual roots but I don't like guilt prayers asking Jesus to "save us from the fires of hell." I think if I don't ask Jesus to do this, I'll still be just fine :)

So, the first thing I did on my newer Rosary (not the family one) was to cut off poor dead Jesus. I told Jesus: I think you've done some wonderful things and you're a inspiration. I'll add you to my pantheon of Gods and Godesses but I want you off my Rosary and I'm removing the guilt prayers. I then sewed a Goddess figure that I found when I was shopping in Shanghai, China onto the end of my Rosary. She looks much more filled with life, ready to worship, meditate and pray! [picture seen to left]

I then searched around for appropriate prayers to replace the Catholic ones. I wanted to keep the general feel of the Rosary but choose more appropriate and meaningful words. To show you what I've done I'm providing three tools: 1) the prayers typed below (2) a diagram labelling which bead is for each prayer [especially helpful if you've never done this before] (3) A recording so you can hear how it flows. I had a lot of problems with this recording. I did it several times. I apologize that it skips. I was using my internal mic and it sometimes does that . . . but I do have a nice meditation drone in the background to help :)

I hope that you enjoy this! If you've never done this type of prayer, I hope you find this interesting and inspiring. If you have done the Catholic Rosary . . . I hope this is liberating! I hope to inspire others to develop their own meaningful methods of prayer, meditation and enlightenment. Blessed Be!

Great Goddess, Lady of Life
Whose Garment is the shining Heavens.
You are the white moon among the stars
And the beauty of the green earth.
You are the Oneness of all things
And the Completion of the Spirit
You are the mystery that if that which we seek
We find not within
We will never find it without
For you have been here since the beginning
And you are that which is attained at the end of desire. (Excerpt from The Charge of the Goddess)

(Optional to Sing) We All Come from the Goddess
And to Her we shall return
Like a drop of rain
Flows into the ocean

Hail Mary, Full of Grace
The Lord is with thee.
Blessed art thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of your womb*
Holy Mary, Mother of God
Pray for us sinners* now,
and at the hour of death.

*I removed "Jesus" and I contemplated removing "sinners"

Blessed Be, O High and Holy Lady;
Thou who art the Cauldron of all manifest existence!

Hail, holy Queen, Mother of Mercy!
Our life, our sweetness, and our hope!
To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve,
to thee do we send up our sighs, mourning and weeping in this valley, of tears.
Turn, then, most gracious advocate, thine eyes of mercy toward us;
and after this our exile show unto us the blessed fruit of thy womb;
O clement, O loving, O sweet virgin Mary.
Pray for us, O holy Mother of God.

New Profile Picture

With all this bloggin about my new Rosary practice and Mary . . . I was inspired to create a new profile picture. I was using a pentacle as a quick solution but I was becoming bored of that. I chose the most simple one and it had no personality. It was only meant to be temporary since I spent so long on my banner. So, I got on Photoshop and created a new one. I love my new creation :) It was kind of inspired by the ad for St. Michael's hospital here that has a floating image of St. Michael over the city of Toronto. It was also inspired by my need to find something Pagan-inspired about Mary.

The "how-to" blog about the Rosary coming next . . .

Wiccan Rosary--Devotions to Goddess Mary

In planning a blog post about developing a new Rosary meditation, I realized that I had a lot to say. So, I'm dividing this post into two. First, many Wiccans will ask, why Mary? Why am I worshipping a Catholic Saint as a Pagan Goddess? I think this is a very important question. Here's my story of my relationship with Mary.

Having grown up as a Catholic we prayed to Mary everyday in school. Little did I know what effect this had on me and how much I actually enjoyed or appreciated it. Later in life, after I rejected the Catholic church for reasons such as not accepting me as a gay person or ordaining women, I started attending United and Anglican churches. Mary disappeared from my life almost completely . . . well, except for Christmas and Easter when she would miraculously appear to give birth and then reappear to mourn Jesus' death. It wasn't until a few years ago that I went to an Anglo-Catholic service for friend (which is way more Catholic than the Catholics!) that I was moved by the presence of a Mary in the form of a statue at the side of the church. I couldn't follow the service, which included all kinds of Gregorian and Anglican chant but I kept looking at the statue and I realized that I missed my conversations to Mary in prayer.

A year or so later I was walking in downtown Toronto when I had a calling to visit St. Michael's Roman Catholic Cathedral, the largest and oldest Catholic church in Toronto. It was strange experience and I was surprised but I went. When I got there and sat down people started to recite the Rosary in a group. I had never heard this cycle of prayers. What kind of Catholic grade school did I go to that I never learned the Rosary!?! I was moved by this and I asked my mother who explained it and sent me a family Rosary. I went everyday that summer and prayed and meditated with it. Around this same time I was attending a Zen Buddhist temple and taking a meditation class. I thought the Rosary was a wonderful meditation tool that connected me to my religious roots. After having engaged in this form of prayer for a while, which I combined with lighting a candle at the Mary altar (how very pagan!), I was guided to create a large creative project that involved my new connection to the Rosary. I don't want to say what that project was but I will tell you that I had great success with it. The day I finished that project a group of nuns, who I had never seen before met me outside the church and gave me a medal with Mary on it. I asked them if I should pay them for it. They said no, they just wanted to remind me to pray the Rosary. I told them that I had been everyday and they were surprised. For me, this was confirmation that the Mary was listening . . . and strangely, I never did see that group of nuns again.

So, where does that bring me to today? After many years of contemplation, research, prayer and meditation . . . I realized that I'm trying to cram all my beliefs into religious boxes that didn't accept my ideas . . . or me for that matter! They had wise ideas that I could incorporate but I wasn't completely comfortable worshiping in that space. My strong belief in the Feminine Divine, the God/Goddess in all nature, Paranormal events, my intuitive understanding of people and the universe was not Christian or Buddhist . . . or even a combination. I was Wiccan!

This did not mean that I had to give up previous beliefs. It was Mary who guided me here in the first place! In fact, it was one Catholic principal that had been drilled into my head in grade school that made the most sense, "God is omnipotent!" If that is true, then God . . . or the Goddess can manifest Herself into any form . . . and I'm quite sure that our tiny human brains can't begin to conceive how She works in our lives. She is part of everything and Her energy flows through us all. I know this best when I sit in quiet meditation and feel Her energy flow through me. I always thought it was appropriate that the Catholics called Mary, "Mother of God" . . . because She is God and She gives all life. I love that in many pictures she has healing light flowing from her hands.

I also think of those early Pagans who were converted to Christianity. How did they find new ways to worship the Goddess in a Catholic context so that they were not burned at the stake or violently tortured? Am I rescuing old Pagan rituals that were disguised as Catholic? Did Catholics refurbish Pagan rituals to make their religion more appealing to the people they wanted to covert? As a friend points out, the layout of most churches does resemble a womb, complete with fallopian tubes! How did Mary become the centre of much Catholic worship? We know for a fact that the missionaries used Mary in many Latin-American countries to covert people who had been worshipping Goddesses. Perhaps I am just reviving old traditions and seeing Her in Her original form. [I'm going to read the book to the right very soon.]

So now to refine my rosary to make it more meaningful for me and hopefully I can inspire others. I needed to take it and redefine it in a way that erased Catholic guilt, years of brainwashing and control and make it something to celebrate the beauty of the Goddess. I will share with you in my next post how I did this.
Thank you for reading. Blessed Be!

Batlle of Beliefs

Saw this on another blog and I had to share it too! A man in the town of Marion wants to erect a statue of the 10 Commandments. An atheist wants to sue them but a Wiccan wants the Wiccan Rede erected in the town centre as well! Normally I support the separation of church and state but this is too much fun. I'm trying to picture a list of commandments on a tablet with "Do What Ye Will" written beside it.

See an article about this situation: http://www.thesouthern.com/news/local/article_77c03eac-aa83-11df-8104-001cc4c03286.html

I'm sure this will go nowhere but I'm glad someone pushed the town for equal treatment.

Vegetarian Visiting Halifax

I went on vacation again! Had some time on my hands and wanted to get away, so I went to Halifax, Nova Scotia. What a wonderful city!! The people are friendly, there's a lot to see, and if you love history like I do . . . it's fascinating. Halifax plays a very important role in the history of Canada.

One of the most interesting things for me to see was Little Mysteries Bookstore. This bright spiritual store had a wondeful energy and sold a variety of Wiccan books in addition to wonderful jewellery, shirts, decorations, and so much more. They even have a variety of tarot readers that are there most days of the weeks. In general the city seems to be quite open to Pagan peoples (I saw people wearing pentagrams!) and paranormal ideas. I went on a Ghost Walk Tour and people were open to talking about their haunting experiences.

Now this probably won't interest my regualr readers but I wanted to give some advice to people who might Google "vegetarian, Halifax, and visit" . . . but don't be freaked out by the Wiccan blog . . . lol! It is a little difficult to find vegetarian food in Halifax. You are in one of the seafood capitals of Canada! If you keep walking around all the mainstream restaurants, you might get tired of eating vegetarian pizza, as I was! So here's a few suggestions.

The downtown is small, so it is so easy to get around. One of the most overlooked restaurants in Halifax that I only found by accident is Talay Thai Restaurant. The food there was amazing and I think I'm quite picky when it comes to Thai. There are only two restaurants that I enjoy in Toronto and this was comparable. The have quite a few vegetarian dishes on the menu . . . and even the appetizers.

One restaurants that all the locals like is called The Wooden Monkey. While they do specialize in organic, locally grown and macrobiotic food, I personally find that they don't have a huge selection of vegetarian food. I'm so glad that there's a restaurant being socially conscious but people will tell you that it is vegetarian but there not a lot of options. Someone did tell me that they are happy to change ingredients if people have food allergies . . . so maybe you can ask them to change up some of their options. The ambience of the place is wonderful :)

There is one fully vegetarian restaurant in Halifax, Satisfaction Feast but I don't drive and its a bit farther so I didn't go there. If you were up to a far walk it would probably be about an hour. I walked to Seaview Memorial Park on the other side of Halifax and that took me an hour and this restaurant doesn't seem as far.

The last suggestion is not a vegetarian restaurant but a seafood restaurant. In fact, they only seem to have one vegetarian meal on the dinner menu but it is well worth visiting!!! The Five Fisherman Restaurant used to be Anna Leonowens' art school (you know, the woman who inpired the musical 'The King and I'), and during the Halifax Explosion it turned into a morgue. So, it turns out that this place is VERY HAUNTED! I went during a non-busy part of the day and my wonderful server took the time to show me upstairs and told me that everyone who worked there has seen something paranormal. There's a girl ghost who shows up in the women's bathroom and a man in the dining room. The silerware and the glasses will move and fly off the tables. Every morning they have to reorganize the tables because everything is on the floor. Neat Place! Oh, and the vegetarian dish they serve is a vegetable gnocchi :)

Bon Appetite Halifax visitors!

I'm back from China! It was amazing and I'm going to save it for a series of posts in the future. Let's just say that I enjoyed it so much that I'm considering moving there for a short period of time . . . but one thing at a time.

So, Eat, Pray, Love is going to become a movie. Usually when a book gets as much hype as this one has, I ignore it. I generally assume that the general public does not have the same taste as I do. This book would not leave me alone though. The title kept getting tossed around by friends and then the movie commercials came out and I thought, "fine, I give in."

I loved every minute of this book! Having gone through a divorce myself, I completely understood Elizabeth Gilbert's feelings and having burned out of my career several years ago, I understood the restlessness. Did I go off traveling around the world having spiritual insights? No, I played it safe and went back to school to start a career that I had quite a lot of success with at first and then quit and went back to my first career. Should I have traveled around the world finding myself? Probably. What makes this book so enjoyable is not so much the places she goes in the physical world but her adventures and insights into her mind. She doesn't hold much back in what she's thinking. She even discusses "taboo" subjects like masturbation when she needs to make a point and she paints the true and often raw expression of her soul.

As a Wiccan, the part that struck home with me most was her insight into ritual. Having gone through a messy divorce Gilbert says that it is so difficult to find closure because she was longing for that conversation with her ex-husband where they set everything straight and move on. Because it was so messy, that wasn't going to happen. She had to rectify her emotions and spirit through ritual. I won't tell you how exactly because that would give away too much of the book but she does say:

We do spiritual ceremonies as human beings in order to create a safe resting place for our most complicated feelings of joy or trauma, so that we don't have to haul those feelings around with us forever, weighing us down. We all need such places of ritual safekeeping. And I do believe that if your culture or tradition doesn't have the specific ritual you're craving, then you are absolutely permitted to make up a ceremony of your own devising, fixing your own broken-down emotional systems with all the do-it-yourself resourcefulness of a generous plumber/poet. If you bring the right earnestness to your homemade ceremony, God will prove the grace. And that is why we need God.

Developing ritual through Wicca is one of the most empowering part of the craft! I spend a great deal of time finding and writing what I find meaningful, rather than using or copying other people's leads because that is what I'm "supposed to do." I'm going to share some of those ideas in the future posts.

Will the movie do the book justice? Julia Roberts is a good start . . . but we'll see!

Vacation

I'm so excited to be taking a vacation now. I'll be gone for 2 weeks and I won't be able to write. Bet you can't guess where I'm going!! Merry Part :)

Toronto Chaos

I've been slow to update because this has been an emotional week with large high and deep lows . . . not to mention what is happening with Toronto. My emotions can get the best of me to the point where they are almost debilitating. I have some problems with depression which I try to work through in many ways . . . but I don't like to bitch about that, even though I know its a reality that I have to work through. As an artist, I also tend to overreact quickly. I also have to remind myself to step back from the situation, take time, and then re-approach it more logically. Its a hard lesson to learn and it takes a long time to figure out how to do it. Sometimes I just want to start screaming and yelling and I know that it won't help the situation at all. As a witch with a meditation practice this is where it should kick in to help . . . but that's the last time I want to do. Usually I just sit and stew! I'm not sure how to get over this.

The energy in Toronto is horrible right now. I'm sure that no matter where you are in the world, you're seeing our city due to the G20. Violence to this extent is very unheard of in Canada!! I'm embarrassed for our city and our country. I'm watching our local news station and I feel like I'm watching sensationalist CNN!! I was worried about how the rest of the world is perceiving us as we're usually seen as a very peaceful country. However, some of the world media (e.g., France, Britain, USA) is saying that they are used to much more violence, so this is really nothing to them. I'm still not happy with that. You can really feel the oppressive energy of they city. It's already hard to be a Wiccan in the city . . . this makes it worse. Maybe I should sit and try to focus some positive energy back into the city.

As I live downtown, I decided to step out for a bit when some of the violence was done and I got some of these pictures. It's really sad! To be really honest, I don't see either side of this. How can the G20 really get any work done in 2 days? What message are the protesters, whether they are peaceful or violent, expecting to get across? Can they really get a message out? Why can't the leaders make some deal with Microsoft where they get a super-secure video conference line where they can really discuss issues . . . or at the very least . . . why not a meeting in Antarctica? The penguins probably won't protest . . . i think :)

Pre-Birthday Wiccan Surprise

My husband is going to be away for my birthday which is still a while away so he decided to take me out early. He was so sweet to surprise me with a gift. I wasn't expecting anything. The best part is that he went to a spirituality store that has Wiccan items and books and picked out a gift himself. Now, what you need to know about my husband is that he's very supportive but he thinks some of my Wiccan practices are a little odd. He's from mainland China and did not grow up in any religious traditions . . . and, for that matter, he thinks all religious traditions are a bit odd. He has been to a few church services and always says, "What are they saying and why do they keeping singing 'Alleluia?'" Which he pronounces wrong and imitates them singing it over and over in his funny mocking voice with a Chinese accent.

Anyways, he went into the store and pronounced to the store clerk that I was a Wiccan and that he needed a present. He turned down books and CDs because I have "too many" and told the woman that I have trouble picking up negative energy from other people . . . which is true. So, he bought a black candle which smells amazing because it has cloves and frankincense in it. I used it this evening in meditation and spell casting.

Then he decided that he was going to buy me a piece of jewelery. He looked at the pendants and said that he didn't want to buy one of "those stars" because I already had too many of those. So he decided on a moon with a sun because he remembered that we carved that into a pumpkin at Halloween. I asked him if he knows what they symbolize and he said no. Poor guy :)

He's so sweet and I love him to pieces! :) It's so wonderful that he stretched himself to do something so thoughtful for me!

Magickal Karma Fix

If you read my previous post, you'll know that I had a recent run in with a music store over an owner's failure to train her employees properly around the costing of items. After she accused me of trying to trick her employees, I became enraged and refused to pay any more for a transaction that was completed in the store. The whole situation has left a bad taste in my mouth and I've decided that I'm going to rectify this with magick and ritual. I need to transform the negative interaction based on money into something positive. So, I'm donating the money that she says I owe her to charity. If I financially benefited from someone's mistake, then I figure that I'll send that energy (and financial benefit) back into the universe.

I've been researching different charities and trying to figure out where to send it. My partner thinks I should send it to a charity that deals with music. I know there are some inner-city initiatives that give students free music lessons which I think is wonderful, so I will consider that. However, with the recent oil spill I feel that I should do something to help that. Mother Earth is crying out for healing! I found a wonderful American Charity Matter of Trust that is collecting human hair because it can easily absorb oil. There are Canadian hair salons that are helping and I figure that this American charity must need money to help transport all these materials. The only down side of sending to an American charity is that I don't think I can get a Canadian tax receipt for that . . . but I don't think that should matter when I'm doing it for my karma.

Please feel free to suggest what you think I should do or suggest any other charity. Here is a video that shows how effective human hair is separating oil from water.

Name that Karmic Lesson

Being a professional musician I have quite a few instruments in my collection. Purchasing a new instrument is usually an exciting venture . . . but sometimes awful things happen to me . . . as happened just recently. Let me explain what two purchases and then I'll explain my recent incident and I would like your opinion. I feel that Karma is trying to teach me something but I'm not sure what.

1) I was a young university student at the time and I was visiting a Celtic Festival. I wanted to purchase a harp but didn't have a lot of money. I negotiated with a harp builder explaining I was a student and I worked a church musician (at that time). He agreed to sell the harp for a lower price of $3000 because he wanted to help me. Also during that festival I met a lovely bodhran (Irish drum) builder. She had some amazing drums and offered to sell it to me for $60. I borrowed some money from my mom and picked that up as well. When I got home I had an email from the harp builder telling me that he had spoken to the bodhran maker and I was cheating him out of money. He was angry and told me that I didn't seem "Christian" at all . . . as I worked in a church. I was angry and wrote back and explained the situation.

2) I had acquired my first full-time job and decided that I had to have a piano. I answered an ad in the paper and visited an elderly man who wanted to get rid of his piano that his deceased wife had played. I decided that it seemed reasonable and gave him a cheque for the full amount of $500 and would send movers later at a mutually agreeable time. We agreed on the weekend but then the man phoned me screaming and yelling how I didn't leave enough time for the cheque to clear and that I was trying to cheat him out of money (they cheque had cleared). I had to get the police involved . . . I finally got the piano but the old man gave the movers a big sob story and the movers thought I was a criminal and asked me many embarrassing questions.

3) I recently wrote to a store asking about the price of a harp. The store owner told me the harp was one price and the case was another. I had also been talking to other stores across North America about their prices. Since this store was in Toronto I went to try it out. I really liked it and thought that I would just buy that one. The store owner wasn't there but the two sales people told me that the case came with the harp at no extra cost. I did not remember the price quoted in the email and I had no reason to dispute the employees, so I paid for it and left. The next day the store owner emails me that the employees had made a mistake and she wants to invoice me for the case. I write an email explaining the employees should know the costs of the instruments/cases as anyone could have come in and bought it and the transaction has been completed. This was a mistake on her part for not putting price tags on the cases and not training her staff properly. I explain that this is a really bad business practice. She then writes and tells me that it was unacceptable to "test her staff" like that. Now I'm furious!

Two questions: (1) What is the universe trying to teach me in terms of karma? Why does it always involve instruments? (2) What would you do in case scenario #3? All of my friends have given me the same answer but curious what you think.

Vegetarianism and Energy

I have been a vegetarian since I was 16. As soon as my parents would agree to it, I stopped eating meat. This was for several reasons. The first and most important is that I hated the idea of eating animal flesh. I did not like the idea of animals suffering so that they could become my food. Now, I'm realistic about this and I realize that some cultures and civilizations need meat to survive . . . so, in some ways I'm not like those militant animal rights people. In fact, I appreciate that some Aboriginal groups give thanks to the animal for giving its life for their sustenance and then are sure to use the whole animal. What I am not okay with is people mass producing animals in horrible conditions and torturing them for their gain. All around it is harmful . . . even for the planet.

One of the other reasons that I gave up meat was that if animals are put through this torture, what kind of energy are they giving off? If they give off negative energy, am I putting that into my body? Do I want to consume an animal that has been made to suffer psychologically, scared to death and then slaughtered? As I've said in previous posts, I am very sensitive to energy and I believe that those energy signatures are left in the meat. Why wouldn't it be? It would explain the many problems that people have with depression, anxiety, fear, and a multitude of other conditions that seem to plague this mass produced society.

The first time I have every really heard anyone talk about energy as it pertains to meat was today when I watched this interview with Ellen Degeneres. In fact, she mentions energy a few times in this interview and talks about how she feels it. It would make sense that she senses it clearly because she is a very successful and empathetic entertainer and interviewer. I have always enjoyed her work but now I have a deeper respect for her. The interview is about 30 minutes long but it is very insightful.

Moving Energy with Music

Whoa! What a busy week! I had a big concert to pull off this week that I was in charge of that included over 100 people. It was quite successful and included diverse genres of music from all over the world. I love putting together concerts that really keep people's attention because styles of music keep changing. In this particular concert we performed Motown, rock, jazz, Brazilian folk music, Tibetan folk music, and a lot more . . . even Bollywood!

Even more interesting for me, beyond the genres, is how to move energy in a crowd! Because I grew up with professional rock musicians for parents, I learned at an early age how to choose music to keep an audience's interest. My mother (who's practically a witch and jokes about it but never commits to it) was an expert at moving energy in an audience and commanding attention through performance. She would always choose the right mix of music. If I did something on my own or with another group where the audience became bored or disinterested, I could definitely feel it. Until I figured out how sensitive I am to energy and sensing emotions, I never fully understood it . . . but now I am starting to. The most awful feeling in the world is when an artist is losing their audience. There is a saying that people say they can feel something in "the pit of their stomach" but I think it is the solar plexus chakra. That's where I feel the emotions of others quite clearly. In a situation like that I wish I could jump up and intervene to keep the audience engaged. If it is something that I'm performing musically that makes people feel that way (and I can sense it) . . . I'll change what I'm doing on the spot.

What was great about the concert this week is that I was able to program the music in such a way that the audience got really excited. My musicians were shocked about the energy that came from the crowd and how that helped them performed. I told them that I learned that skill from my mother but they should be careful that they know the music really well because it can also work to your detriment. In this situation you often run on adrenaline and if you don't have a good handle on the music you'll get lost because your brain isn't functioning like it normally does.

I was also able to raise energy like this in Christian churches when I worked there. I knew how to pick hymns or other praise music (especially gospel) in such a way that I could raise the spirits of my congregation or bring them into a contemplative state for prayer. As a solitary witch I wonder how that would play out if I were part of a coven and used those skills to produce magick in a circle. I've started to experiment a bit on my own when I cast circles and raise energy through song and drumming . . . but this is nothing like working in a group. I'm curious!

Oh, and I also bought this small harp! That's not me playing it though.

Essential Oils

Yesterday I went to a class on essential oils. This is the first time that I have ever really delved into this topic. As a witch I'm really interested in using natural remedies to help heal people. I took this full-day introductory course with a spiritual healer that I felt comfortable with and I learned a great deal. I was most impressed with the fact that she let us try the oils during a meditation session and had us give our impressions of the oils. She emphasized that each oil would create different responses in all our bodies. I could relate to this information when comparing it to candle magick or tarot. I've heard various witches say you should make colour associations or card associations as you see fit. That if a colour doesn't represent to you what someone else says that it does, then you should do what feels right to you. This was obvious as we moved around the room talking about our experiences with the different fragrances. Some of us had interesting reactions to an oil like coffee, while others, such as myself did not feel anything.

The two that we tried that I related to most were rose oil and chamomile roman. Rose oil, when placed in my aura, did all kinds of wild things. I would see bright lights, shapes and colours. At one point she sprayed a diluted amount above my head and I felt like a cone of light (or something) opened over my head. It was a very neat experience. The chamomile roman caused my heat chakra to spin . . . and it went on for a quite a while. When she asked our experiences with the oils and I explained that one to her, she asked me if I was a "workaholic", to which I answered "yes". I'm not sure what she was getting at but perhaps when I do some more research I will figure it out.

She stressed the importance of buying oils from reliable sources where they weren't using chemicals to extract them. I understand what she was getting at because the vibrational qualities of the oils would not be as high. My problem is that a small bottle of an oil like rose would cost over $100. I simply cannot afford that, especially when you would want to buy several oils to use for different healings. I must confess that today I went out and I bought two oils and a diffuser. They were the cheap ones . . . lavender for $12 and rose for $25. I figure that I'm going to try them for myself and see how I feel about it. I once heard a witch say that the reason the oils work is that they trigger a healing process in the brain. I can appreciate the vibrational argument but I question whether the other oils would help in some way . . . even if it is not as good.

Any opinions?

Buddhist-Christian Experimentations

Part of this blog is to share how I came to Wicca. In some ways I think I had some good training within two different religions. Two religions I don't reject now, but gave me a basis to start. For a while I was trying to blend them and I was quite open about it . . . even while working in a church! That got me some funny looks!

I grew up as a Roman Catholic in a very Italian neighbourhood . . . although I'm not Italian. In Catholic school we were taught "Christian values" --most of which I think are quite good, however, I didn't always see people or the Bible living up to those standards. I didn't understand the male God in the bible that would punish people or test them by asking them to kill their son for his glory!! When it came to grade 8 in school, I was asked to confirm my religion in ceremony. I said, "no". I told them that I didn't understand Christianity well enough to confirm my faith in it. I wanted to explore it further. I was the only student that didn't and I'm quite proud of myself for that. The priest didn't like me very much for it but my parents supported me and my teacher told me that God was everywhere and I should go out and explore it for myself. Great teacher!

When I was in my 20s I discovered Buddhism. I learned meditation on my own and studied Buddhist philosophy and tried to incorporate it into my life. I found some aspects of it difficult but I liked the intellectual challenge. I took some classes at a Zen temple but I don't think the Zen master liked me asking questions when I was just supposed to follow. I'm not very good at that. I loved that Buddhists look inward to themselves for answers . . . and I knew I could feel the presence of God in my meditations. That was clear to me for the first time! . . . and to make it clear, I felt God as energy and it was not separate from my own being . . . which was even a more exciting discovery but I don't think that the other Buddhists really liked that way of thinking but they didn't really judge me.

So, then I was combining the two religions and doing it quite openly calling myself a Buddhist-Christian. The two don't clash in my mind. I love that one is very introspective while the other preaches charity and reaching out to others. In my mind it was a nice balance but it wasn't completely working for me. While I might have been on my path to nirvana, I still hadn't found Jesus (I even looked under the couch!) While I thought Jesus was a cool rebel, I didn't really relate to him or want to worship him . . . and I certainly didn't understand or appreciate the whole Trinity thing!

I was also missing a really big key component . . . THE FEMININE DIVINE! I would refer to God as "She" in protestant churches and people would freak out. Well, not all of them but quite a few did and they made a really big deal out of it. I also discovered, while attending a Anglo-Catholic Church that missed my old Catholic prayers to Mary. Those were important to me.

I'm leaving out some key components but they are stories onto themselves which I will tell later. But essentially, I slowly fell into Wiccanism as it just seemed so logical! I held certain beliefs and values but I didn't know where they fit--not that I felt I needed a label for my faith. My mother always joked about being a witch and had visions . . . so it was never a taboo subject and she's very supportive now. The big turning point was when I figured out that I was an empath. I can physically feel people's auras! Once I realized how much that had been affecting me all my life and not understanding my moods (which weren't mine) I started researching ways to rectify this. A lot of my research brought me to Wicca . . . and as I researched it something suddenly clicked in my head, "Oh, this is it!"

Out of the Broom Closet (Book Review)

In an attempt to figure out how "out of the closet" I should be when it comes to Wicca, I bought a book called Out of the Broom Closet; 50 True Stories of Witches Who Found and Embraced the Craft. What a great treasure of short stories! Before I went to bed every night I read a couple of them. Some were incredibly touching and other were quite straight forward and what I would expect. The nice part, being a Canadian, is that many of them were based in Hamilton or Montreal. Some of those people had eventually started the Montreal Pagan festivals or Hamilton's Pub Moot. These are events that I actually know about and have heard about. So often these books are American and I have no idea what they're referring to if they mention events or places.

Recently I started wearing a pentacle ring all the time. I was nervous to do so but I thought, "what the heck!?" I used the example of one woman in this book, when she was approached in a bathroom by a co-worker and asked if her symbol was satanic. She simply responded that Wiccans don't believe in the devil. So, when I was in a similar situation and someone asked me if I worshipped the devil (I'm still quite offended by this, as most of my work is to help people) I used the same line . . . but then I got all these questions about, "How can you not believe in the Devil? If there is a God there must be Devil." I simply explained, "Yes, there is evil in the world but it doesn't have to take the form of a Christian Boogeyman." I understand that I was probably challenging this person's core values but why do conversations around religion always have to be so awkward . . . especially with some Christians.

There were quite a few very touching stories in this book. Some to do with death or illness and one in particular dealing with a boy who had a horse that dealt with mental and physical abuse from his father. Both the boy and the horse were abused and they bonded because of this fact and when the boy grew older realized that he felt the love of the God and Goddess through this horse named Dan. It was a very sad story but I'm glad to hear that people find places of strength through extreme violence in their lives.

It was also nice to hear of stories similar to my own where people grew up in the Catholic church and had to work through all of the dogma they were brainwashed with . . . mind you, many Catholic traditions grew out of Paganism, so that' part is okay, I got ahead there. I would highly recommend this book if you're contemplating being more open about your spiritual beliefs and want to quit hiding them. I found it quite motivational!

The Burning Times (Documentary)

There is an amazing documentary called The Burning Times that I wanted to share that perhaps many of you will know because it is about 20 years old now, produced in 1990. It was put out by the National Film Board of Canada and the entire documentary has been put on YouTube. I first saw it in a Women's Studies class where I was amazed at how the Catholic church had become so successful at destroying women's power. Now as I watch I'm amazed at how within 200 years they managed to take Europe and change it from a pagan goddess-centred community to a predominantly Catholic continent where a priest was supposed to be your mediator between you and the divine.

Having been raised a Catholic, I now am surprised how much of what I had been doing was very pagan and was probably established that way to keep them from revolting. I feel I have a deep connection to Mary and I speak and pray to her as part of my diaspora of Gods. However, this would be a blog entry onto itself.

I'm sure you came to my blog looking for a quick read and may not have time for a documentary (if you have not seen it already). Put this one in your back pocket if you don't have time . . . bookmark it . . . it is well worth the watch. I'll warn you that the end is a little hard to watch when they start to describe some of the torture methods. The good part is that it has music by Loreena McKennit . . . and interviews by Starhawk!

Part2 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lFZie-CLJsY&feature=related
Part3 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ejYTgFr_gqI&feature=related
Part4 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hQb_YLz9qtU&feature=related
Part5 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TR2dHbA-orw&feature=related
Part6 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kF8-XxbQ3EA&feature=related