Impromptu Worship and Finding my Voice

I had a wonderful experience yesterday when after going stir crazy in my downtown apartment I decided to take the subway with my partner along the Humber River. Because Toronto is a major city and I don't drive, it is hard to find places to get lost in nature. One of my favourite things to do is find a rock somewhere in the middle of a river that I can climb to and just sit there. I was so happy to do this yesterday. I remember reading once that empaths love to be next to water . . . my whole life I've wanted to be in or around water. I grew up next to water and would hike beside rivers, as a child I would spend whole days in the pool, and even before I figured out I was an empath I would choose homes that are close to water. So, yesterday I spent a good hour or so on this rock. The current and winds moving around me feel like they are sweeping away everything negative in my aura. I need to make a point to do this more often.

So what did I do on this rock. Well, at first I just sat there with my partner close by and then he decided to go for a walk for about an hour! I was happy on my rock and I grabbed another small rock and started carving Wiccan symbols in the rocks around me. Then I surrounded those symbols with decorative organic doodles. Then I decided I should build a small shrine. So I started to collect as many large and small rocks that I could carry and I built a pyramid to the Goddess. I took pictures but I can't get them off my phone. It was a wonderful, invigorating impromptu worship that revived my soul. There was no one around that I could really see, as I was surrounded by trees, and I just worked away by myself. I chanted, "The Earth, the Air, the Fire, the Water, return, return, return, return . . . "

This got me to thinking about how I approach Wicca having been raised as a Catholic . . . and then to work in Anglican and United Churches. I always hated that prayers were written down and that everyone reads them from a bulletin. I swear if you listen closely while people say them in their most monotone voices you can hear, "We are the Borg, you will be assimilated." How is writing something down for a congregation to say meaningful? What if you don't feel like saying it that day? What if you don't believe what is written or it seems irrelevant? I also remember one particular event as a child where I came home from Catholic school ready to read a prayer I had written at the dinner table for Thanksgiving. My mother was raised Catholic but didn't attend church and my father was agnostic. When I told my father what I wanted to do, he basically put it down and said that we don't do that at home. I can understand why he said that and his own discomfort with that but from that point on I always felt ashamed to say prayer out loud.

So, where I am going with this? Even to this day, I feel strange saying prayers aloud. It is something I have to get over. If my partner , who is not Wiccan or religious at all, is in the next room and I feel embarrassed if he hears me casting a circle or praying the Rosary. The funny thing is that he's not judgmental at all. He didn't grow up with any religious traditions . . . so why am I nervous? Am I scared he'll think I'm crazy? I already told him what I'm doing and he is supportive. When my Pagan friends come over I feel weird casting spells with them . . . in fact, I kind of avoid it. It's funny because I have no problem with chanting or singing . . . it's speaking that gets me. Great Goddess, how do I find my voice (quite literally)? I know it seems kind of silly but it's amazing what these little things do to you as a child . . . and how they affect your adulthood. Perhaps just putting these thoughts down in my blog will help me.