I haven't written on this blog in ages. Let's just say that life got tough and I had to make some choices. That horrible situation with my job . . . I had planned to quit, then another job came along that I thought was going to be much better . . . but honestly I'm not happy with that either. At least I'm not in the abusive situation I was in before! Honestly, I would just love to move to a smaller, accepting community of Wiccans, Pagans, Tree-huggers, hippies or anything and get out of this rat race of consumerism and commercialism.
On a brighter note, I tried knitting a Pentacle Dishcloth. I found the pattern on a website by accident: Pentacle Cloth by Veronica. Her's looks quite nice in purple. I thought I should do it in wool, so I found some grey wool but it didn't turn out as nicely as hers. In face, it's hard to see the patten at all. Kind of a shame when you put all that work into it. I might try it again in another colour.
I haven't written lately becuase I've been in a very difficult situation and I really feel trapped. I feel that I have a lot of talents and ideas and I like to express them in my job. I don't like to talk too much about my work on here but I will tell you that I work in education. Sometimes my job can be wonderful and usually there are challenges but I can handle them. I've hit a point where I feel I can't handle it anymore. I've been placed in a very difficult situation and I know that I can't stay in this position . . . but resigning would be a very big deal! I don't like the feeling of being trapped. I don't like the feeling that everyday I'm going into work and not knowing what to expect . . . other than I'm going to be yelled at . . . and I'm going to have to yell and get angry as the only means to keep discipline (long story but I never work this way normally). This is a systemic problem . . . all the systems are failing to help anyone in this situation and I'm on the bottom rung trying to keep things together. It's not working and I didn't cause it.
Even my dreams are sending me weird messages. I had a dream that a group of people were going to blow up a room in a school (not my workplace). I was told to get out but then I remembered I left my bag in that classroom where the bombs were directed. I went back in and saw other people still in the building. I left and wondered whether I should warn the police (not sure why I had to think of that). When I came out and saw the bomb people again, who were getting ready, I noticed my spouse was with them. I yelled at him sternly and told him that he had to leave with me now or never come home again. Disturbing, eh? I figure this has something to do with my work situation.
There may be one way out though. Today I saw a job posting in my "company" where I could move up to a higher position and still keep my status without resigning. I started writing a cover letter and I have a CV already put together. I REALLY want this job and I'm qualified . . . but other more qualified people might apply.
To supplement my work to get this job I want to use some positive magick that will get me noticed in a positive way. Any suggestions??? I know there must be people out there in the blog world that can give advice on magick. Even if it was just ideas to create my own ritual. Thank you :)
I haven't written lately because I've come up against a very difficult situation at work. My work takes quite a central place in my life because of the nature of my job. I wish it didn't but even when I'm not there it takes up a lot of my mind space. I work in the public sector and my actions affect other people's lives, so it's hard to escape it. Lately I've been working with a very difficult group of people . . . and I'm in situations where I'm yelled at in a foreign language for long periods of time. It's one of those situations where you try all the different strategies that you learn but nothing works. The only positive response I've gotten is when I yell back which I hate to do. I find that I'm spending hours of my day dwelling on it or complaining to someone else about it. I know my mind is in a bad place but I have trouble stopping myself from repeating scenarios in my head.
I'm not sure how I fell into it because I did fall into it . . . but I started calling on the Green Tara Goddess for protection. I must admit that even though I'm a Wiccan, I'm open to a lot of variations in my faith and I believe that the Goddess/God can manifest itself in so many ways . . . most of my worship and devotion has been around Mary, who I perceive as the Goddess. I do this partly beacause I grew up Catholic and that is what I was most familiar and comfortable with. I've spent time calling on Kwan Yin a bit but I've found new solace with the Green Tara. She offers me something quite different! There's something very comforting about her and I believe she is helping me a great deal in this horrible situation at work. She is the Goddess that can protect against unfortunate circumstances . . . that's what I'm in!! I've been chanting her mantra and I've put a statue of her at the centre of my altar.
OM TARE TUTTARE TURE SOHA! Blessed Be Great Green Tara Goddess!
I've had a few interesting "coincidences" lately. Started back at work and my room has just had a major cleaning. Walked in and found a straw broom and a black hat (unfortunately not a witch's hat but quite similar) on my piano!! Coincidence? I'm not really "out" as a Wiccan and I'm not sure my cleaning staff have figured it out. Hmmm . . .
Today a young Caribbean girl comes into my life. Her name is Mariam and it turns out she's pregnant. I want to be supportive of her because she can't be more than 17. I ask her when she's due . . . she says "Christmas Eve." Well, anyone who reads my blog regularly will know I honour Mary as one form of the Goddess . . . and she plays a central role in my life. So again . . . coincidence? I will be seeing a lot of her over the next few months.
Just an aside . . . I'm reading a lot about people picking up stuff for their altars at Dollar Stores and Department Stores just before Samhain. I think it's funny that we do this . . . but then again, I'm Irish and I have to wait to St. Patrick's Day before I can pick up some of the Irish stuff I like. I'm reading on blogs and Facebook about Pagans shopping at Walmart, Target and other stores but I hope that we are all being socially conscious before we run out and shop.
There was a letter published recently on Inciting a Riot's Blog about how suburban people can't be Pagans because they couldn't understand the faith and way of life. I don't agree with this line of thinking and think the guys is way off, however, I do think suburban (and urban) Pagans can make some un-wise decisions in their shopping, especially in the name of their faith, which help to support large corporations who might support some ideals that we aren't in favour of. I know it's not always easy or efficient but I hope we shop wisely and make good decisions which help everyone in our large communities. Remember that every time you buy something, you making a "vote" about what should be stocked in our stores and which stores should stock things or even remain open . . . simple rules of supply and demand. Blessed Be! :)
I had a wonderful experience yesterday when after going stir crazy in my downtown apartment I decided to take the subway with my partner along the Humber River. Because Toronto is a major city and I don't drive, it is hard to find places to get lost in nature. One of my favourite things to do is find a rock somewhere in the middle of a river that I can climb to and just sit there. I was so happy to do this yesterday. I remember reading once that empaths love to be next to water . . . my whole life I've wanted to be in or around water. I grew up next to water and would hike beside rivers, as a child I would spend whole days in the pool, and even before I figured out I was an empath I would choose homes that are close to water. So, yesterday I spent a good hour or so on this rock. The current and winds moving around me feel like they are sweeping away everything negative in my aura. I need to make a point to do this more often.
So what did I do on this rock. Well, at first I just sat there with my partner close by and then he decided to go for a walk for about an hour! I was happy on my rock and I grabbed another small rock and started carving Wiccan symbols in the rocks around me. Then I surrounded those symbols with decorative organic doodles. Then I decided I should build a small shrine. So I started to collect as many large and small rocks that I could carry and I built a pyramid to the Goddess. I took pictures but I can't get them off my phone. It was a wonderful, invigorating impromptu worship that revived my soul. There was no one around that I could really see, as I was surrounded by trees, and I just worked away by myself. I chanted, "The Earth, the Air, the Fire, the Water, return, return, return, return . . . "
This got me to thinking about how I approach Wicca having been raised as a Catholic . . . and then to work in Anglican and United Churches. I always hated that prayers were written down and that everyone reads them from a bulletin. I swear if you listen closely while people say them in their most monotone voices you can hear, "We are the Borg, you will be assimilated." How is writing something down for a congregation to say meaningful? What if you don't feel like saying it that day? What if you don't believe what is written or it seems irrelevant? I also remember one particular event as a child where I came home from Catholic school ready to read a prayer I had written at the dinner table for Thanksgiving. My mother was raised Catholic but didn't attend church and my father was agnostic. When I told my father what I wanted to do, he basically put it down and said that we don't do that at home. I can understand why he said that and his own discomfort with that but from that point on I always felt ashamed to say prayer out loud.
So, where I am going with this? Even to this day, I feel strange saying prayers aloud. It is something I have to get over. If my partner , who is not Wiccan or religious at all, is in the next room and I feel embarrassed if he hears me casting a circle or praying the Rosary. The funny thing is that he's not judgmental at all. He didn't grow up with any religious traditions . . . so why am I nervous? Am I scared he'll think I'm crazy? I already told him what I'm doing and he is supportive. When my Pagan friends come over I feel weird casting spells with them . . . in fact, I kind of avoid it. It's funny because I have no problem with chanting or singing . . . it's speaking that gets me. Great Goddess, how do I find my voice (quite literally)? I know it seems kind of silly but it's amazing what these little things do to you as a child . . . and how they affect your adulthood. Perhaps just putting these thoughts down in my blog will help me.