Impromptu Worship and Finding my Voice

I had a wonderful experience yesterday when after going stir crazy in my downtown apartment I decided to take the subway with my partner along the Humber River. Because Toronto is a major city and I don't drive, it is hard to find places to get lost in nature. One of my favourite things to do is find a rock somewhere in the middle of a river that I can climb to and just sit there. I was so happy to do this yesterday. I remember reading once that empaths love to be next to water . . . my whole life I've wanted to be in or around water. I grew up next to water and would hike beside rivers, as a child I would spend whole days in the pool, and even before I figured out I was an empath I would choose homes that are close to water. So, yesterday I spent a good hour or so on this rock. The current and winds moving around me feel like they are sweeping away everything negative in my aura. I need to make a point to do this more often.

So what did I do on this rock. Well, at first I just sat there with my partner close by and then he decided to go for a walk for about an hour! I was happy on my rock and I grabbed another small rock and started carving Wiccan symbols in the rocks around me. Then I surrounded those symbols with decorative organic doodles. Then I decided I should build a small shrine. So I started to collect as many large and small rocks that I could carry and I built a pyramid to the Goddess. I took pictures but I can't get them off my phone. It was a wonderful, invigorating impromptu worship that revived my soul. There was no one around that I could really see, as I was surrounded by trees, and I just worked away by myself. I chanted, "The Earth, the Air, the Fire, the Water, return, return, return, return . . . "

This got me to thinking about how I approach Wicca having been raised as a Catholic . . . and then to work in Anglican and United Churches. I always hated that prayers were written down and that everyone reads them from a bulletin. I swear if you listen closely while people say them in their most monotone voices you can hear, "We are the Borg, you will be assimilated." How is writing something down for a congregation to say meaningful? What if you don't feel like saying it that day? What if you don't believe what is written or it seems irrelevant? I also remember one particular event as a child where I came home from Catholic school ready to read a prayer I had written at the dinner table for Thanksgiving. My mother was raised Catholic but didn't attend church and my father was agnostic. When I told my father what I wanted to do, he basically put it down and said that we don't do that at home. I can understand why he said that and his own discomfort with that but from that point on I always felt ashamed to say prayer out loud.

So, where I am going with this? Even to this day, I feel strange saying prayers aloud. It is something I have to get over. If my partner , who is not Wiccan or religious at all, is in the next room and I feel embarrassed if he hears me casting a circle or praying the Rosary. The funny thing is that he's not judgmental at all. He didn't grow up with any religious traditions . . . so why am I nervous? Am I scared he'll think I'm crazy? I already told him what I'm doing and he is supportive. When my Pagan friends come over I feel weird casting spells with them . . . in fact, I kind of avoid it. It's funny because I have no problem with chanting or singing . . . it's speaking that gets me. Great Goddess, how do I find my voice (quite literally)? I know it seems kind of silly but it's amazing what these little things do to you as a child . . . and how they affect your adulthood. Perhaps just putting these thoughts down in my blog will help me.

Empathic Travelling and Revisions

Thought I would do something different today so I bought a day pass for public transit ($10) so I could hop on and off the subway where ever I felt like it. I went to a variety of music stores to price some instruments and to two of the 'spiritual' stores here in Toronto. One is called The Occult Store which part of the
Wiccan Church of Canada. The store is quite large, has a great book selection, and the staff are very friendly. It's great that we have the church too. I've only been there once for a class . . . but it reminded me of going to Christian churches in that no one really talks to you and the regulars hang out. A few nice people will say hello but you just feel a bit awkward. Perhaps it will be different if I go back again. I'm curious about their ritural events but I'm too shy to go by myself.

I know that I'm an empath. When I first figured it out and started researching it, everything made total sense (e.g., Why I had trouble going to malls, moodiness, etc.) However, even with this knowledge, I'm still very skeptical. I always think that I'm probably just imagining it. So, here I am on the subway and I start feeling really anxious. More anxious than I've felt for a very long time . . . I'm hoping that I don't have a panic attack or something crazy like that. I figure that I must be feeling this way due to some future work issues but it doesn't really seem like that big a deal in my head. Then, all of a sudden, the cute Asian guy sitting next to me says, "canutelthataishiriswet". I say, "What?!?" about three times because he's talking too fast. On the fourth try I understand he's asking me if I can see the sweat on the back of his shirt. I use the opportunity to touch his back and say, "No, not really." He tells me that he's really nervous about a job interview that he's going to . . . and I'm like, "OHHH!!!" I spent the rest of the trip slightly annoyed that I'm feeling his anxiety and trying to push my energy outward and send him positive, soothing energy back. Not sure I helped any but I can see why I'm tired and overwhelmed all the time.

To switch topics, I was thinking more about my version of the Rosary as I'm reading this book on the history of Mary. As I research Catholicism, I understand how so much of it is mind control techniques. How do you get a group of Goddess worshipping people who understand and recognize the power, strength and healing powers of women to convert? You create a myth about a woman who dooms all of humankind by taking an apple from a talking snake after the one and only god said not to . . . oh, and the snake you saw as a symbol of wisdom is now Satan . . . oh, and p.s. Satan is evil and you don't want to listen to him for fear of eternal damnation.
That being said, I decided to develop a new version of Hail Holy Queen (Salve Regina). When I redevelop these prayers I like to keep the essence and flow of the original while eliminating and changing irrelevant Catholic dogma. Here's the original and my first attempt at a revision (which needs more revisions):

Hail, holy Queen, Mother of Mercy!
Our life, our sweetness, and our hope!
To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve,
to thee do we send up our sighs, mourning and weeping in this valley of tears.
Turn, then, most gracious advocate, thine eyes of mercy toward us;
and after this our exile show unto us the blessed fruit of thy womb;
O clement, O loving, O sweet virgin Mary.
Pray for us, O holy Mother of God.

Revision:
Hail, holy Queen, Mother of Mercy!
Our life, our sweetness and our hope!
To thee do we listen to abundant wisdom [to replace 'bad Eve's lack of obedience]
To thee do we send up our praise for all nature's glory.
Turn then, most gracious Goddess, thine eyes of discernment towards us and show unto us the blessed fruit of thy womb [which could still be all of nature! . . . not Jesus.]
O clement, O loving, O sweet Mary.
Be with us O Holy Mother God.

Not sure what I think of that yet.

Inspirational People and a Laugh

Every once and a while the Goddess brings inspirational people into our lives . . . sometimes she even sends them through cyberspace. I've had two such blessings in the recent past that I want to share. I started my blog so that I would have a way to explore and express my faith. I did it for me and I thought it doesn't really matter if anyone reads it . . . but, in fact, it does make a great deal of difference especially if the people inspire me! I'm very happy that Debra from the blog She Who Seeks comes to my blog and says something positive and inspiring on every entry.

After my last entry on developing the Rosary she shared with me a version of the Jennifer Berezan's Hail Mary from the track, She Who Hears the Cries of the World. Her version goes:

Hail Mary, Full of Grace,
The Power is with thee.
Blessed are you, Queen of the Universe
And Blessed is all of creation.
Holy Mother, Maker of all things,
Be with us now and always.
Blessed Be.

I think this is beautiful and eliminates some of the parts of the prayer that I had problems saying. I am going to use a hybrid of this and the original for my Rosary. Thanks Debra!

Another inspirational person who has touched my life through cyberspace is Alex. I actually met him through Facebook and he's been very open to me about sharing his faith. He's been so kind to let me bounce ideas off him and I ask him questions. He has both a blog and videos on YouTube. In fact, when I was developing my Rosary, I wrote to Alex to ask him about it and apparently he has his own set of prayer beads which he made (smart and talented) and he created a video for it!! Here's the video:




NOW to finish with a little humour (I'm always too serious on here) . . . let's poke fun at some patriarchal Christians. If Facebook had existed In the Beginning:

Wiccan Goddess Rosary

I've been thinking for a long time that I wanted to revise the Catholic Rosary that I grew up with to reflect my Wiccan faith. I still like the prayers to Mary although there are a few issues that I'm still ironing out with them but it was the other prayers and the Catholic Creed I had a problem with. I think the Rosary is a wonderful meditation tool and I feel connected to the Catholic Rosary as a physical object, as its part of my spiritual roots but I don't like guilt prayers asking Jesus to "save us from the fires of hell." I think if I don't ask Jesus to do this, I'll still be just fine :)

So, the first thing I did on my newer Rosary (not the family one) was to cut off poor dead Jesus. I told Jesus: I think you've done some wonderful things and you're a inspiration. I'll add you to my pantheon of Gods and Godesses but I want you off my Rosary and I'm removing the guilt prayers. I then sewed a Goddess figure that I found when I was shopping in Shanghai, China onto the end of my Rosary. She looks much more filled with life, ready to worship, meditate and pray! [picture seen to left]

I then searched around for appropriate prayers to replace the Catholic ones. I wanted to keep the general feel of the Rosary but choose more appropriate and meaningful words. To show you what I've done I'm providing three tools: 1) the prayers typed below (2) a diagram labelling which bead is for each prayer [especially helpful if you've never done this before] (3) A recording so you can hear how it flows. I had a lot of problems with this recording. I did it several times. I apologize that it skips. I was using my internal mic and it sometimes does that . . . but I do have a nice meditation drone in the background to help :)

I hope that you enjoy this! If you've never done this type of prayer, I hope you find this interesting and inspiring. If you have done the Catholic Rosary . . . I hope this is liberating! I hope to inspire others to develop their own meaningful methods of prayer, meditation and enlightenment. Blessed Be!

Great Goddess, Lady of Life
Whose Garment is the shining Heavens.
You are the white moon among the stars
And the beauty of the green earth.
You are the Oneness of all things
And the Completion of the Spirit
You are the mystery that if that which we seek
We find not within
We will never find it without
For you have been here since the beginning
And you are that which is attained at the end of desire. (Excerpt from The Charge of the Goddess)

(Optional to Sing) We All Come from the Goddess
And to Her we shall return
Like a drop of rain
Flows into the ocean

Hail Mary, Full of Grace
The Lord is with thee.
Blessed art thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of your womb*
Holy Mary, Mother of God
Pray for us sinners* now,
and at the hour of death.

*I removed "Jesus" and I contemplated removing "sinners"

Blessed Be, O High and Holy Lady;
Thou who art the Cauldron of all manifest existence!

Hail, holy Queen, Mother of Mercy!
Our life, our sweetness, and our hope!
To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve,
to thee do we send up our sighs, mourning and weeping in this valley, of tears.
Turn, then, most gracious advocate, thine eyes of mercy toward us;
and after this our exile show unto us the blessed fruit of thy womb;
O clement, O loving, O sweet virgin Mary.
Pray for us, O holy Mother of God.